Funeral Planning

Now, over a week after the service and reception for my father's passing, I find myself still reflecting on it. Today's post is about that event, and a round-up of everything around that event. I would like to point out that I personally did very little of any these steps; my siblings, their wives or Boo did them. My job has been highly taxing lately, so I have not been available to much of anything else. For those who come here looking for car stuff, I too look forward to the return to clowning on cars. I'm sure that day is approaching.

Parent Approaching Their End

I will start with acknowledging that my experience may not parallel anyone else's experience. As in all things, your mileage may vary (YMMV). I will say, though, that had I known what I was in for, maybe I would have been more prepared, or at least understood what I didn't know and needed to learn super-fast. In retrospect, many of the steps parallel a wedding: plan a service, plan a reception, dress the celebrant(s), announcements, catering, transportation... the only real difference is a wedding is planned on your timeline. A funeral arrives, sometimes without warning, and needs to happen somewhat quickly. Even if a funeral home is "handling it", someone needs to answer practically all of these questions anyway, but instead of interacting with lots of folks, you have one institution.

We knew Dad was on borrowed time for a while. He survived prostate cancer 25 years ago, and was on a regimen to keep it monitored ever since. As a long-term smoker, he also suffered COPD. We don't know if it influenced any other health conditions. A few years back, his PSA spiked and cancer was found in his bones (the cancer had metastasized). He took various medications to control/contain it, and they staved off the worst of it. Dad's movements reduced and he and Mom made their final preparations, which they documented in a file and had witnessed by Boo. Last Fall the medications stopped working. There was some discussion about, and then he started, a new experimental medication, but it was either too late, or insufficiently effective. Dad went on hospice and we encouraged those who lived out of town to visit. The last visit with him I choose to remember was a week before he died when my son T came home from LA. We talked for about an hour before Dad got too tired. Dad went to bed the last time the following Wednesday and was gone the following Saturday. While I saw him a few times after that meeting with T, he was not responsive at the end, and really was not engaged prior to that.

Parent Dies, Day One

The days leading up to Dad's passing had a steady stream of his children, their spouses and grandchildren. At the actual time of his passing, there were a couple of us there, but it really could have been any of us He could passed on Friday or hung on for another day or so. Basically, when the end is near, it hangs there for, like 48 hours. Still, he passed, and then the final preparations kick in, including last rites in Dad's case. The funeral home with whom arrangements were made are among the first phone calls to make, so the remains can be taken away. The funeral home with which Dad made his arrangements had suffered some employee attrition so things were bumpy that first afternoon, suffering a significant delay before Dad's remains were transported to their facility. As an aside, their communication and follow-thru was poor from start to finish, and it was the missteps in the early days that confirmed our decision to arrange things ourselves.

Depending upon the decisions made by the deceased for treatment of their body, you may have a very short window to complete a long list of socially-expected steps. Dad chose cremation, so we had considerably more time before a service needed to be conducted. Regardless, many of the steps are the same, it is just a question of how much time you have to pull it together. Some cultures expect a funeral within a few days, and if even the body is embalmed, there are limits to how long you can delay.

Location, Location, Location

Mom and Dad lived most of their lives on the East Coast: NYC, northern NJ, upstate NY and Boston. T and I helped them move to Oregon so they could be part of their grandkids' lives around 2010. They established deep roots in their housing development, and Dad attended the church next door. So, we children felt that having the service in his church, overseen by his priest, would allow for the largest number of their old friends to attend. Because of how far some family needed to travel, we set a date 3 months out. Even still, getting everything done in time was a bit of a challenge. Our last bit of business was for a reception following the service. The church offered the new parish hall for the reception. Ironically, Dad was opposed to the construction of this hall, believing it was an unnecessary expense for a building which did not serve much of a purpose. Dad got the last laugh, though, as the heat in the hall failed the day before his reception, so we remembered him in a relatively cold room.

Print and Online Obituary

These days, if it doesn't happen on social media, it didn't really happen. So, efforts to craft a message are time-constrained by the number of people aware of the message you wish to produce. Someone along the way will let slip to someone else, and then a condolences post will appear and then you have lost control of the message. So, we did not tell anyone... for almost a month... while my brother worked and re-worked a 4-page obituary. A 150-word version was released to the local papers in Portland, Albany NY and Boston while the long version went on the web. For anyone else, I would encourage as short a time span as you can; any one of the dozen or so people who knew about Dad could have let-slip and we were just lucky. Be advised that print newspapers charge a hefty sum for obituaries since this is one of their last remaining revenue streams. I think just one paper cost upwards of $500US. FB is free, of course, but Dad still had a paper delivery subscriptions, and we felt it was important to run a traditional obituary. Besides, unlike a few years ago, not everyone still uses FB.

Announcements

With the obituary formed, announcements about the funeral can be prepared. We chose to include a printed version of the long obituary with a note about the funeral specifics. We sent an announcement to everyone in the parent's contact list. Surprisingly, very few returned, which speaks to how well they maintained their addresses. My address book would have a far worse hit rate. Printing and postage will vary, but I think we spent around $300US. The envelope-stuffing was an activity for the grandkids when they were all here for Christmas. In retrospect, that may seem a little macabre, but with Christmas sweaters and holiday music, it was simply tri-fold and stuff, apply some stickers.

Packaging

Dad on mantle

For those who are not dealing with cremation remains, the timing of the decision about a coffin would probably come before the obituary. In our case, the ashes were being held by the funeral home, so we had some time. There are lots of television shows which touch on funerals, and there is usually a scene about coffin selection. Having not had to select a coffin, maybe it really is like it was shown on 6 Feet Under. For ashes, television seems to focus on releasing or dumping ashes in the ocean or something similar. Dad did not want his ashes spread or separated, nor were they to sit in a cardboard box in the back of someone's closet. We discovered that there are literally thousands of sizes and styles of urn, ranging from something that fits in your pocket (if you want to take some part of someone with you) to something that fills the corner of a room. Mom selected a hard-carved/turned wood urn by a local Pacific NW artist. Dad's remains have resided in that urn since the day it arrived. Urns, like coffins, are not cheap, but an urn is less expensive than a coffin. I think the urn cost around $500US. A similarly constructed coffin would have been thousands since the urn was turned from a single piece of wood.

Because mom moved shortly after Dad's passing (I'll post on that later), she didn't have anything to wear to the service any longer. So, my younger sister E did a screen-share online shopping session with mom, ordering an outfit and having it delivered to us. Boo and I needed to fill in the edges (stockings, hat and shoes), and had a date-night at the mall to solve. It was a real trip to be in a mall for the first time in literally 3 years.

Plan the Service

Depending upon how detailed the final arrangements were, and how well those plans intersect with the spiritual leader involved, planning the service could be easy. Or, there will be multiple rounds of email, phone calls and meetings to discuss which Bible verses and hymns or who will perform which portions of the service designated for "not the spiritual leader". In our case, Dad had specific verses and hymns and after some research they fit with what his priest wanted to do. There were 2 readings to be performed by family members, and my brothers accepted those. My brother-in-law, an Episcopal pastor, performed the eulogy, complete with Biblical and historical references to Saint Francis (Dad's favorite).

Plan the Reception

For all of the detail in the final arrangements around the service, there was practically nothing for us to go on for the reception afterwards. Since the service was pretty much the priest and a few family members speaking, we wanted options for how attendees could express themselves. We started with many large round tables which fit 8 to 10 people. This created small group conversation spaces. We added a guest book at the entrance and sticky-notes on the tables for those who wished to share a story or detail about how Dad influenced them. You can see the guestbook in the picture above next to Dad's urn. Last, my younger siblings hosted a microphone where those who asked beforehand could speak a few minutes. We found a poem in Dad's final arrangements folder which he asked to be read, so I read that. We had over 100 people overall, we guessed, though only a handful of people spoke, and most of them were family members. Some of us (myself included) were concerned about what could happen with an open mic, but those fears were not realized. Again, YMMV.

Let There Be Food and Wine

remembrance table

If you have a service at 10AM and the reception immediately follows, there must be food. It's like an unwritten rule. Well, maybe it's written in an etiquette book somewhere. Anyway, Dad was a total foodie. For example, for lunch, I might slap together a sandwich, consisting of 2 pieces of bread, a small stack of lunchmeat and maybe some spread and call it lunch. Dad would add lettuce, slice tomato and definitely have at least 2 kinds of spread. Then, he would add potato chips. Last, he would add a pickle, and wash it down with a beer that he poured into a glass. That's Dad, and he would have fixed your lunch the same way. So, of course there would be food, and not just a deli spread and a veggie tray. No. It was catered like a mid-afternoon wedding with 2 meat proteins, vegetarian and vegan options, desserts and, of course, wine. Since it was relatively early in the day, we offered different juices (and optional prosecco), coffee and tea.

Like any other time you need a caterer, you need to know how many to feed. For a wedding, that's almost easy. For how many invites did you receive RSVP's? Add a couple for folks who failed to respond and you're set. For a funeral? Who knows? We sent notifications across the country, placed obituaries, had announcements at Dad's church and put up an announcement at their old housing development. We could imagine 20 people and 200 people. Dad's priest, and our brother-in-law counselled that planning for 100 - 125 was probably safe. We had leftover food, but the desserts were pretty much cleaned out. I guess 125 was the right number. As you can imagine, this was NOT cheap (like $6kUS), but we felt that feeding Dad's friends the way he would have fed them was very important to us. Oh, that cost was the friends-and-family rate from the caterer and did not include tipping out the servers, but it did include things like dishware, utensils, etc. Linens and chairs/tables would have been more.

Let's not forget the flowers. My sister-in-law J hit Costco for the wine, prosecco and flowers. For $500, there was wine and prosecco left over, and there were flower centerpieces for every table, plus some arrayed around the room. The picture at the top is an example of one of the centerpieces. This may have been the most efficient of all of the expenses. There were multiple sources that supported Costco as the flower source versus a regular florist, and we could see why. Great job, J.

Transportation and Housing

rented van (from web)

With so many folks coming from out of town, and some having never been in Oregon before, the locals became tour guides, of sorts. My younger sister, E, helped by creating some optional events around the service/reception including a large dinner that night and a big brunch the following morning. Sister-in-law J and my brother E hosted a party the night after the service where they served leftovers from the reception.  All of these events were within the city limits, making attendance easy. Boo and I hosted my sister R and her husband C, while sister E and her family stayed with her mother-in-law (another Portland transplant from the NorthEast). Other out-of-towners solved with downtown Portland hotels and rental cars. Contrary to ridiculous national news stories, Portland is not on fire nor has it been taken over by homeless and anarchists. Quite the opposite, it may not be as bustling as pre-pandemic, but there was a definite hum while we were down there on a no-Saturday-market Sunday morning.

The big transportation challenge was for mom. She is effectively wheelchair bound now, and cannot be safely transferred by one person from wheelchair to bed, so getting in and out of a car is no longer possible. Boo rented a wheelchair accessible van (from here) for $100US that looks and drives like a minivan, only it has a disappearing ramp from the right slider door and a removed center row for the chair. The driver seat is also removeable, if you ask for that configuration, and the pedals have hand controls. While the acceleration of the van was not too great (it is geared for an extra 1000 pounds or weight for powered chairs), it otherwise handled like a minivan. We were so impressed with the service that we intend to do it when the weather warms up for things like grandkid baseball games or picnics.

Totaling

rando pic of Tuukka

All-in, the total for all of the funeral arrangements pushed up against $8kUS. I guess this validates some of the things I've read where every individual ideally has a life insurance policy for at least $10k to cover their funeral expenses. I suppose, if we needed a casket and a burial plot, $10k would not be enough. Food for thought.

A funeral really is very much like a wedding, except it doesn't come with planners, happy pre-parties, a jubilant couple running through a hail of rice with a tear-filled parents/elders watching from the side. We did have after-parties, and there were tear-filled parents and elders. What is really missing is a funeral planner. Had we chosen to use a package at the funeral home where Dad was cremated, we probably could have picked off the menus for something. We chose to cut our own path, and it took some doing. The event, however, was a great reflection of him and his family, so I'm glad we carved our own.

That's it for this week. At some point, I'll touch on one of the other sides of burying one parent: solving for a now-single parent who just lost their lifetime/fulltime caregiver, as well as solving for almost all of their belongings. A third aspect is dealing with the legal and financials, but I don't know if I really want to get into that; I will say, however, that the money part is the most time-consuming of all of this stuff. Someone once said "life is what happens while making other plans". These days, I really feel that sentiment. Thanks, as always, for following along-

Shed Floored

I took a break from all the interior stuff on NewOldHouse and got after the shed floor this past week. Today's brief post covers that.

Mid-Afternoon Update: my father's memorial is this Saturday (21-January) and the longer obituary was finally posted by the funeral home (here) this morning.

Holey Floor

finished floor

I've mentioned that the NewOldHouse came with a pair of chicken shacks. The one closer to the house was marked for storing tools and car parts until we can build a shop. The other one has been marked for gardening stuff, but it is in far worse shape. The garden shed has been left siting while I prep the tool shed for use. When I shot the interior of the house, I shot in the interior of the shed. While I was preparing for paint and afterwards I realized just how bad the front-most section of flooring was. I figured I could cut out the bad section and jam in some new wood.... I could replace the whole floor... or I could do both. I went with both.

Parts

We had to go to Home Depot for some other home repair stuff, so I got 3 pieces of treated 15/32" plywood (4 foot by 8 foot). These ran for about $60 each. I had the lumber guy trim off 7 inches off the long end, bringing it to 89". This is the distance between the base plates for the side exterior walls. Front-to-back, I needed to shave 7 inches too, but the lumber guy would not cut a couple inches off each board and I failed to get one shortened. So, with 3 pieces of 48" by 89" plywood, and the 48" by 7" cut-off bits we prepared for the floor work by setting the sheets inside the shed on an especially wet and windy winter afternoon.

Patch It Up

fixin a hole

There was an actual hole in the floor close to the door, so with a framing hammer I got whacking around the hole until I couldn't easily knock off dead floor. Then, I measured off 13.5" from the door and then 47.5" across to create a neat hole to patch. I cut the hole with a hand saw and then cleared 1/2" of the rotten wood under the baseplate. I still had to cut a small section out of the section of new material that was against the door, but the bits fit. To support them from below, I pulled a 2x4 from the scrap pile and set it into the hole, centered under what would be the thin gap between the patch boards. I attached it from above, with 1.5" long screws into the base plate and then into the solid flooring at the doorway. I had to section that 2x4 first so it would fit the hole and I used the cut-off along the inner edge to create a lip to set the inner patch board upon. Once solidly attached, I screwed the patch pieces in.

Floored

With the hole patched, I marked and drilled the hole for the off-door floor latch and then shifted to installing the full sheets. First, I swept the floor of the shed. I picked the one that looked nicest and set it closest to the doorway. With more 1.5" screws, I set the new material into place, held it down with my knee and set screws through. I measured off 16" spaces and continued until the first sheet was down. I repeated this process for the middle sheet, again, picking the next-nicest sheet. The last sheet needed to be trimmed 7", down to 41". I did this again with a handsaw. I would have used a powersaw at this point, but I lacked clamps, and did not want to mess it up. Once the panel was shortened, I marked where the center 2x4 in the rear wall was by setting the panel in place and drawing with a pencil. I marked the depth and then cut the rectangle out again with that handsaw. The panel fit pretty perfectly, and after another round with the power drill and 1.5" screws, there is a new floor in the toolshed.

back wall

Start to finish, this took me, maybe 6 hours, and a great deal of that was because I used the handsaw, and it was not terribly good. Still, I am very glad it is done and feel comfortable starting to move car parts and my rolling tool cabinets in there.

Thanks, as always, for following along-

Where were we?

Hapy New Year. It has been a busy holiday season for pretty much everyone I know, and Boo and I are no exception. Today's post will touch on some of the things we have been getting after since my last post. 

CoViD Hangover

Cooper Spur snow

During one of my holiday social engagements, I had a conversation with my niece where we were both remarking on how could we have been able to do all the things we're doing now plus have to commute to work every day. I recall, back before the whole CoViD shutdown / work-remote thing started, I would take a train into the city, work in an office all day, train to the gym to work out for an hour or so and then walk a couple miles home. Around that work-week schedule, I went out to play or listen to music, attended ball games, visited friends etc like most people. And, of course, fiddled on cars a little bit. Now that we are more consistently mingling with others, I am having a hard time rationalizing how I was able to do it while maintaining that daily cycle. I know many people are returning to offices, and I wonder if there are more people out there trying to figure out how to make it all work again. Frankly, I think many people are failing at it and that's why there is such a growing discontent. Maybe it's the holidaze, but I swear I am encountering more surly people than ever lately.

Cooper Spur

Tuukka at rest

Of course, my holidaze had much more going on and much more positive interactions than just my realization about the world's increasing surly. Boo and I spent XmasEve and XmasDay with Boo's family. This was emotionally and spiritually taxing for a couple of introverts, but we were warmly welcomed and had a really nice time. The weekend before, my younger siblings and their families joined Boo, Tuukka and I at Cooper Spur, on the east side of Mount Hood. Boo and I took Tuukka for long walks along the groomed cross-country skiing paths, and shared meals, crafts, music and games with my siblings' families. It was a great kick-off to a holiday season.

NewOldHouse - 1/4 round

Anyway, back to what I was originally going to post on: NewOldHouse projects. Among the things left incomplete, preventing us from moving in-earnest into NewOldHouse was the 1/4 round along the baseboards. I touched on this last time, but simply identifying which pieces were to go where was only part of the battle. Once identified, cleaned and primed, I needed to install them. For this, I got a finish-nailer powered by an air compressor, and then moved my air compressor down to NewOldHouse. Working with the nailer was fun: point, press and shoot. I had the 1/4 round installed in a couple hours. Next, I spackled the nail holes, sanded them flush and then caulked the top of the 1/4 round to the base board. Last, I slid around with a paint bucket and brush, brushing in the 1/4-round with the same paint that I shot the walls and trim last summer. Start-to-finish, it took me a few days, working a few hours a day (let's say 15 hours). I need to caulk the bottom of the 1/4-round to the floor with clear silicone caulk (at least along the outer walls), and then the 1/4 round is complete.

NewOldHouse - bathroom

bathroom floor done

The bathroom was in mediocre shape when we bought the house, even after all the rubbish was removed and it was cleaned. There are meaningful divots in the plaster, the sink cabinet was nasty and the floor under the toilet was failing. First, the sink and cabinet were removed. The cabinet went to the dump; I don't remember what we did with the sink. Then, the toilet was removed, and set into the tub while the floor was cleared. Once the linoleum was pulled, we could see the original hardwood floor was in pretty bad shape. We removed the pieces around the waste pipe and could see that the sub-floor had been compromised at one point. We were around this point when I posted last.

Since then, the damaged pieces of sub floor have been removed and replaced. New flooring has been installed on top of that, a full floor sheet of thin veneer was installed on top of that and peel-n-stick tiles applied on top of that. The peel-n-stick took a full day, which seemed like a really long time for a room not much more than 8 square meters (5 foot by 5 foot). Details take time, though, and tiles will not fit exactly without trimming. So, for aesthetics, you want the trimming to be behind the toilet or under a cabinet with the uncut tiles along the main walls that you can easily see. This means, though, that you need to lay everything out to figure out where the cuts need to be for the heat and the waste. Also, orienting the tiles one direction of another takes some laying out, thinking, and laying out again. Quality takes time; slapping things together is fast, but it will always look... well.. slapped together.

Our last hiccup was with the toilet waste flange in the floor. The studs to which the toilet should mount were stripped and rusted to the flange. They needed to be cut off, drilled out, tapped and then new studs threaded before we could install the toilet. Once ready, though, it was a fairly simple process to set the wax ring and install the toilet.

Bathroom Next

cleaning hardware

The sink and cabinet remain ready for install. We purchased a new cabinet / sink / mirror combination at Lowes and the low price is definitely reflected in the workmanship (or lack thereof). Still, it will work, and after some fiddling with the hinges, the doors close without rubbing. The holes for the pulls were not put in the right spots, so the handles are wonky, but again, it will work. We have all the bits and pieces, just with all the holiday events and family in town, we have not installed the sink and cabinet.

Once the sink is in, we will hang a shower rod, and re-hang the door. The hardware for the door has been cleaned up, though. Prior owners had painted without taping things off nor removing hardware so every door handle, strike plate and hinge was covered in multiple coats of paint. I have spent many otherwise-idle hours picking off paint and then rubbing down with steel wool door hardware, yet more remains.

Moving

With the 1/4-round complete, I have started moving things over to NewOldHouse. It is difficult living in one house, wanting to be in another. So, the items selected to move is not easy. I am finding things that we 100% want/need there but can live without for the time being in the current place. Obviously, this makes the move harder, and slower, but until the bathroom is fully functional, we can hang out there, and even sleep there, but it is not quite ready for full time living.

Around this work, Boo and I have been combing through all of the belongings moved here from my parent's old apartment. It has been a considerable undertaking. We have found homes for over half of the items, and while in some ways we are picking up steam, we also realize that the easy things are running out, and we will soon be left with things which only represent value to their original owners. By this, I mean things like personal correspondence, notebooks, etc that are very personal. It feels wrong to simply discard these things, but I think we will just have to work through that.

Canopy Calamity Again

example wrath of Jerry

It seems that no matter what tricks I try, the canopy known as "Jerry" just will not stand. After more windstorms, that canopy lifted and flipped onto it's side, scratching Zed again. Fortunately, the chrome around the rear window and windscreen has not been further dented, nor have either sheets of glass broken. Still, I have had enough risk of that for one winter. So, Boo and I deconstructed Jerry, leaving the poles in a heap. We used the canopy like a tarp, covering Zed for the winter. To prevent water from pooling in the hole where a sunroof will one day be, we placed a large rectangular sheet of stiff foam under the tarp. After a couple gusty days, the tarp has held firm, so Zed is hopefully protected until Spring. I think, between all of the scratches, the disappointment in both the final finish and the olive-green shade within the 9mm color, I will be sanding and re-shooting Zed before I install the interior. Since every time around is a learning opportunity, I expect this next round will be much better than the last, which was better than the one before that. Of course that means Zed will not be driving around next Summer unless we get a freak warm dry spell in April/May.

With the holidays behind us, our next significant event is the memorial for my father, planned for 21-January. For that, Boo and I will be providing our current home to my sister and her family while they visit from the Bay Area. Boo and I are marking that as the drop-date for when we can live in NewOldHouse without having to run here for various things. Please wish us luck. Thanks, as always, for following along. I hope you have a happy, healthy, and emotionally stable NewYear-